Here I am again
Blindly following
A promise that was
Never made unto
My self-destructive
End;

The price of making
Make-believe the
Only truth I seek
Is disappointment
Once again;

And you’d think I’d
Get it one of these
Days, with all the
Consequences I
Always seem to pay;

Investing everything
I have in every
Opportunity,
In what I know is
Never guaranteed;

It’s just so much
More interesting
Than anything
I have to give
Myself;

There’s nothing left
To get except my
Self-respect, but
I just cannot save
Me from myself.

Current Location: Hell, Earth
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: Kaki King - "Dreaming of Revenge"

There is clarity in the midst of this hurricane fever;
An eye wall of colors and shapes
And impassioned ambiguous dayglow hearts burning weathered fire
Disband the sickness;
The chaos rages, roars
Consumes, it ebbs and flows
It binds but it frees,
It protects from the storm,
But it is the storm itself
And I am putting my raincoat on.

Current Location: The other side of the window.
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: People building condos and sirens outside my window.

Left without a trace
Diligence expects disgrace
Left without a face
So many respects to trek
Without a common place
Reject complex insects
They hide in front of your face
Design intricate webs of lies
Dazzling to the eyes

Someone wrote me a letter
Said it doesn't get much better
But never any worse
Said at least you ain't
Riding in a hearse
Said it blunt
Said it honest
Said it terse
Like prose in perfect verse
If any day could be the day
Then why not yesterday
It could be yesterday

Tried climbing vines of twine
Didn't get that high
Couldn't hold up to what
They had,
They had it all combined
And it got rough,
Real rough
Made it really tough for us
With ropes of money
'Round our necks
They couldn't comprehend it
That we weren't dead
Said they set a trap
Impossible to escape
Inescapable size
Indescribable weight
Incomprehensible shapes
But everything's in constant motion
It don't slow down
Not for the traders or the Market
Just because we worship it
Our lives inside it doesn't
Make the world any less round
And yet I'm still astounded
With this money noose
'Round my neck

Something profound in
Endless patterns we repeat
Everything you seek
On infinite repeat
In winning losing streaks
The blessed are still meek
It's really not that bleak
Cause now it's in the streets

A picture poses as
A million different things
Cockroaches, diamonds
Or a knockout in the ring
A blessing counts its chances
In the pocket of a king
He conspires,
We conspire,
Plots and schemes,
Fantastic magic dreams
Elusive faraway dreams
We can dream
We can dream
It's all a dream

Current Mood: How the fuck is it 4pm already
Current Music: "Woman King" - Iron and Wine

What I just posted. And discovering that worrying is a waste of time.

Tags: 2008 accomplishment, writer's block

Welcome, User! wtf is UP?! Welcome to myBookfacester, the latest and undoubtedly greatest new social networking website to shake the Internet community! Fuck Facebook, fuck Myspace, and fuck whatever other pussy-ass website you’ve been using to befriend anonymous strangers in the past!! myBookfacester is the revolution social networking has been waiting for. myBookfacester is the ONLY social networking website that lets you see an entire theoretical situation HAPPEN! Let me explain. First, the basics. You know what to do (you’ve done it at least three times now… even more than that if you also make them for your friends). You make a profile, same as any old Facebook or Myspace page, type in your name and what you like, etc, and present it with a song or song(s) that you feel is or are an accurate representation of your personality (that day)… perhaps with a grainy music video you found on YouTube. You type up a summation of yourself in a few paragraphs or less; enough to present your most favorable attributes to the world, but not quite long enough to start getting into your anxiety-ridden neuroses, your paranoia or your bizarre fetishes. Just enough to show everyone on the community that you’re just as fake and superficial as everybody else. And that you can take a one-armed picture of yourself and it won’t come out blurry.
But here’s where Facebook or Myspace don’t go. What happens next is this; after you’ve created your profile, you type your name into myBookfacester’s trademarked and patented Hypothetical Situation Generator™ and match it up with any of your friends’. Just type your friends’ names into the generator’s Friends field and it will calculate infinitesimal probabilities to imagine what your future engagements together will be, in a Podcast-compatible format! WHAT’S that?! You can literally see the future… On.. your… iPOD™!!! Is there a Facebook application that can do that? (For $1.95 per video you can get them sent wirelessly to your phone via Bluetooth, standard text messaging rates apply). You type in the names of the party, the time of day/month/year, and the location, and myBookfacester will show you a likely hypothetical situation in which all of you are taking part in accordance to your specifications. Imagine a social networking website that can show you in advance what you and your friends (who you may or may not actually know in person) will be doing before you do it? See you and myBookfacester friends in an iTunes-compatible Mac-Windows-Linux-friendly format, doing the following: Sitting around talking about nothing. Sitting around talking about myBookfacester. Sitting around talking about how you’re going to sit around and talk about nothing later, but with alcohol!!! Random sexual encounters with (insert sexually ambiguous nonconformist scenester/scenesters here!) Group orgies! Coke binges with cheap prostitutes in filthy pay-by-the-hour motels on the South side! Having sex with cheap prostitutes in filthy pay-by-the-hour motels on the South side. Accidentally killing cheap prostitutes in a coke-fueled rage and then dumping their bodies in the river so no one will find out… with myBookfacester friends!! Drinking! Sex!! Drunken sex!! Topical humor!! Panic At The Disco!
With myBookfacester, you literally NEVER need to leave your own house! It takes the burden of imagination away! Now you never need to even get up from your computer chair to know what it would be like, instead of sitting in your basement/living room/laundry room, you were hanging out in your friends’ living rooms or fucking some chick (or is it a dude…? I can’t tell! Our little Suicide Girl’s wearing a lot of fucking eyeliner, either way. Now you don’t have to actually do that because myBookfacester does it for you. Besides, you already know what both of those things are like anyway. You’ve done it before… and now you can watch yourself do it all again on permanent repeat, on myBookfacester! Watch in awe as you watch yourself do everything you knew you were going to do and even things you wondered about doing, on your own computer screen! You thought about what it might be like if you saw that band live or what your weekend would’ve been like if you’d hung out with those people instead (and you do wonder, cause that was a pretty sick album they posted). No more wondering. We do the wondering for you and then one-up it… we show it to you. Yeah! It’s exactly like you thought it would be!
Instead of sitting at home and getting drunk by yourself, you can see yourself in an alternative scenario… you’re getting drunk with other people!!! Probably in a really small apartment somewhere way the fuck up in the north side with a bunch of drunk college kids of varying social groups/non-groups packed on to a balcony, all smoking on it ‘cause they couldn’t smoke inside. And there’s a sign posted on the inside side of the door with “6 to a limit on the balcony, we don’t want the paramedics here again… and Billy already got a $350 fine… so please, 6.” The last ‘6’ is underlined three times. There’s twelve people on the balcony. There might be a couple guys who just met each other there making out in the bedroom of whomever the apartment belongs to… seriously getting at it. “Yeah, on top of everybody’s fuckin’ coats!!! It sucked balls, nobody could get at their cigarettes for like… an hour! Fuck that shit.” Everybody is probably drinking PBR, Beast, or some kind of really cheap grain alcohol. Some really trashed guy is walking around with a bottle of Pine-Sol flavored gin, having a kinda-slurred but remarkably intelligible conversation about… ironically, the complexity and phenomena of social-networking websites… but in the end, the fact that they’re kind of all just a collective identity-sucking leech on the next generation of the human race. Like… it’s great that you can find just about any person anywhere on the entire planet and know what they listen to and what their favorite movies are and how they feel about anything and everything at THAT EXACT SECOND, but at the same time… isn’t all this weblogged togetherness distracting us from ourselves? Maybe we shouldn’t all be so constantly digitally interconnected and maybe we should all spend more time taking time to get to know ourselves. Maybe if we spent less time away from constant media bombardment, instant messaging clients, music videos, Torrents, blogs, “Meet Horny Girls in Your Area Now!”, etc… maybe we’d all be a little more in tune. Maybe we’d all be a little wiser. Maybe we’d all start doing something fucking great and stop writing bulletins and posting events about how we intend to change the world and how sending this message to everyone you know will really do it this time! But fuck, man, that guy is trashed. Don’t listen to him… he’s going on his second bottle, man. Yeah, he’s fuckin’ annihilated. Don’t even worry about it… you wouldn’t remember all the things you said you were gonna do last night cause you were so fucked up! BUT YOU WEREN’T!!! YOU’RE JUST WATCHING IT ALL HAPPEN HYPOTHETICALLY SOME BORED-AS-FUCK SUNDAY AFTERNOON!!! ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN! AND YOU NEVER HAVE TO LEAVE AGAIN!!!! Sorry! An unexpected error has occurred. This error has been forwarded to myBookfacester’s technical group.
myBookfacester, MOTHERFUCKERS! It’s the most hardcore! You less than 3 it!!! You wanna blog about it!!! Tom fucking joined it! Your mom fucking joined it!!!
(The author of this piece thought it was necessary to bring to light the fact that all of this was written because of hours and hours and hours of bullshitting and timewasting on many social networking websites, he being thoroughly delighted with the extremely ironic notion that this entire satirical piece about social networking websites and the harsh criticism thereof was based entirely on his HOURS AND HOURS OF POINTLESS BACK-AND-FORTH BROWSING THAT LED TO EITHER POINTLESS OR NONEXISTENT CONCLUSIONS. And subsequently, the even more ironic notion, that, upon the piece’s completion, he posted the piece on numerous social networking websites to spread the piece to as many people as he could, using the social networking websites that he was just harshly criticizing to, in fact, HIS OWN ARTISTIC AND SELF-MOTIVATED ADVANTAGE!!! He’s just a hypocrite, and that’s fucking ironic! So really, this whole piece is about the influential and, hilariously, hypocritical nature of irony as a whole. And that irony is the most ironic thing of all. Isn’t that ironic?! HAHA!!! And he’s on acid too!!! Hey Dubya, you’re TOTALLY winning the War on Drugs!!!)
(Publisher’s note – We, the publisher of this advertisement for myBookfacester, neither confirm nor deny the recent findings that myBookfacester has led to madness, suicide, group orgies, ritual sacrifices of small animals, and in some isolated cases, the total rejection of culture and media and full embracement of one’s true, honest and whole self… and the consequent ingestion of intense mind-warping hallucinogens thereof. We do not condone or endorse the author’s methods in any way, shape or form. We, in fact, do not condone or endorse the use of myBookfacester. But, that means… if we do not endorse any part of this five-page rambling endorsement… this whole thing is just the use of words to convey a meaning that is the opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated! It’s just a satire! It’s all just ironic, folks! As ironic as your life. But aren’t life’s little ironies the greatest things worth living for?)

Current Location: 1813
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Jonny Greenwood - There Will Be Blood OST

9 November 2007.

The darkness rushes through me
Like an adrenaline shot
I'm alive for everything it is
And everything it's not
Your touch is like snowfall
And your kiss is salvation
The only concrete justice
In a desperate generation
The silence blankets radiance
Truth shines down from the stars
Your breath and mine mingle
Washes away my fears and scars
The frigid pavement beneath us
Chills while the stars above us twinkle
Curious fingers chart a map
And I shiver deliriously
As your hand draws a line
Down the small of my back
With all those wistful clouds up there
Smiling love down from the sky
Never cared to pass a judgment
Never needed to ask why
I am so lost in this moment
And I don't want to be found
Let the world go on without me
There'll be nary a sound
'Cept for the sound of us breathing
As our feet leave the ground
And we float skyward toward something
Something daring, something new
But is it all just sweet deception
Just a lie I can trust
While the lines blur indistinctively
Between maybes and musts
But you're an exquisite retreat
Someplace warm to escape to
When I'm breathless and scared
I can run back to me and you
Cause we're someplace to escape to
Someplace great to escape to...

Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Slow Nerve Action - The Flaming Lips

pressing play takes all your strength for one turn saves but digs new graves you can't grow it in a lab my convictions gutted, stabbed artificial homogeneity originality sold and free-thought leeched engineered babies, engineered food deceitful pills to heighten mood and everyone's addicted but we're organic fair trade high grade dismissed discriminated vilified hated but we don't listen we just glisten in our way we are just anachronisms antediluvians schisms ideas borne in youth's demise a sunset not a sufficient prize what we're supposed to want is all a lie for She is your best friend and I'm terrified of the end (but readier than ever) and it's all your favourite songs ever righting modern wrongs it's our proof of God, our God I watched a spaceship boisterously creep to heavens held above our feet I said goodbye to stars once free I watched them tremble, watched them weep we are all enslaved oh taking last place feels better than first taking last place feels better than first oh oh imperfection bests the flawless bests the flawless saviour of the righteous lawless up up up up and away sitting, sunning always running sitting, sunning outrunning all this useless gunning and you are my best friend and someday this will end oh aw but for now we can stay afloat somehow we can live for now it's still ours for now and when we have to say goodbye I'll not be sad, oh I won't cry because we've made the best we could our freedom ship of gnarled wood not the product of conditioned "beauty" we've got much greater duties our obligations paramount high above those which we doubt this is the only time to soar there is no such thing as more everything for success is here don't compromise never adhere never adhere I love you much too much for this we know the means to find sought bliss the time is ever growing short our one Mother will soon press abort live free, embrace the unforgettable before we're slaughtered by this murderous fractal yet still I see a glimpse of hope wedged high atop a mountain slope miles above mankind's lazy head it will take work and ethical retread don't give up don't shut up don't back down we can win to their chagrin we could just be idealistic youth but it's our time and we fight for truth all this could just be a pipe dream but love is life and I feel free The last thing that She said to me: "It's not the destination, But the journey." Currently listening : Élan Vital By Pretty Girls Make Graves Release date: By 11 April, 2006

Current Mood: awake

[i regress/23 apr 07]
i don't want to regress
i don't want to live to these standards i've set
but i'm human
and this is what i need
(sorely)
i've an itch i can't keep scratching myself
cause the itch just keeps on getting deeper
and distractions aren't working anymore
it's pretty clear
all signs
(so unavoidable)
point to it
isn't this why we're here?
i can't ignore it any longer
no sir
no way no how
but circumstance is withholding opportunity
oh i'd slit its throat if only i could
but it's got me in a stranglehold
i'm a big fish swimming in a pool of tadpoles
pushed further and further downstream
and i wanna break through
once
just once
just today
just for a little reassurance
just to know i can fit
i'm at everyone else's mercy
and i don't wanna keep pleading
can't keep pleading
but what are my options?
so to whom it may concern
make your presence known
help me disappear
'cause i can't do it without you
and it'd be really helpful
if i knew who you are
and i'm ready now
so fucking ready now
to be one of them
i can't be patient anymore
not now
and i'm even willing to settle
(within reason)
but the fact remains this is out of my hands here
and my only option
seems to be divine intervention
c'mon, allow me this once
can't we all have our moment in the sun
just once
just tonight
there's got to be something
and i don't want to show weakness
but i need this
so here i am
pleading
i'm ready for this
right now
and i digress
sometimes we have to regress.


[want-ad/23 apr 07]
well I don't know how you feel about
random encounters
locked doors
drawn blinds,
no names
just the time and place
and I must apologise for my forthrightness
I'm not usually like this
but I'm not myself today
I swear I usually hate
those kind of people
but I'm someone else today
please don't get attached to him
he's not who I am
there must be something in the water,
full moon, whatever
doesn't make a difference
I'm not going to excuse myself
for being human
because we've all got limits
and I've gone far over the line
so it's up to you boy
I don't usually show this side
but everything else is changing
so why not this, too?
for fuck's sake
I'm going out of my mind
beside myself, trapped
amidst this fire unstoppable
oh, it's raging
you can qualm it with distraction
but distraction only appeases for so long
before it needs a rest
and it's been let go
now it's out of control
and I know what it needs
I'm about to disintegrate now
come on now.
let's have some locked doors
drawn blinds,
discreetness?
absolutely.
it's up to you, though
I've let down this barrier I wear
I really don't bite, I swear
(unless that's what you'd like)
and again, I apologise for my forthrightness
(i'm not like this, I swear)
but in my defence
I am only human
and I'm sorry to sound like this
but enough's enough, really,
and now is all I'm asking for
just some damage control
before the fire takes over
and I burn down completely.
you can have it
(I insist)
so show your face
shadows are so unbecoming
when you hide alone
we can there hide together
anything you're up for,
whatever, it's cool, I'm down,
but it's got to be now
this is an exclusive, one-time offer.
all you need to do
is show up.


[feed/25 apr 07]
That drum has finally started beating
I wonder if the front's receding
'Cause it sounds to me like a reason
To see the sight of this new season

You feel just like a block of clay
A conditioned jewel slave to cliché
The possibilities entrap my thoughts
I'd save the day and fight the onslaught

Today's the day the sun is blazing
Like a sugar high recklessly raging
The world looks so different today
When opportunity lights the way

Even if no more than distraction
I love that you exhibit a reaction
To this forgotten shadow long ignored
I can show my face and cut the cord

I realise any salesman appeals
To a desperate customer in need of deals
But the package looks and feels so bright
I may be starved but this seems right

Help disengage my disregard
The hopelessness with which i've sparred
Allow the best to come outside
And birth what i have been denied

Today's the day the sun is blazing
Like a sugar high recklessly raging
The world looks so different today
When opportunity lights the way

Even if no more than distraction
I love that you exhibit a reaction
To this forgotten shadow long ignored
I can show my face and cut the cord

Diving recklessly into sanguine rivers
Hope revives but also slivers
Feel optimism's alluring buzz
But there's nothing to lose because
All i have is what you see
There's not much you could take from me

Distraught from endless plight and plunder
Governmental greed tossing ration asunder
In blasé weather you sound like thunder
I think a storm is what we need
So take your weary heart and feed
I'll take my weary heart and feed


[sorry/30 apr 07]
I love the way that you always did everything for me so I wouldn't have to strain myself
I love the way that I'm blaming you now
Don't worry, I'm just as much at fault
I love the way the greedy, fascist government fucks anyone who disagrees with its backward, amoral policies
I love how everything is so needlessly complex
I love how the only solution to my temporary problem only creates further problems in the future
I love how there really is no solution
I love how I'm headed down the same path
I love how I'm always wrong
I love the way I'm completely helpless
I love the way I don't know what to do
And I truly love the way that those useless miscreants
Those bad influences
Those stupid drug addicts
Make me feel better about myself than you ever made me feel
I love the way that they are my only source of moral support
I really love how you try to keep me from being around them
Because I'm so much better off right here in this desolate, emotionless black hole called home
This place devoid of love and honesty
I know I've got a thing or two to learn about being honest toward you
But keep in mind
I learned all of this from you
You were never honest to me
You may as well be total strangers
And you keep insisting you know what's best for me
When neither of you even know what's best for yourselves
Keep in mind that I never really knew what a family was
Until I started associating with those good-for-nothing, horrible people who do nothing but drugs and will never amount to anything
No, I'll probably never amount to anything in your eyes now
And maybe I will end up just like them
And maybe I don't have respect for you anymore
And maybe you have no respect for me
I know it appears you have no reason to respect or trust me
But I'm just doing what I have to to keep myself sane
And maybe I can't explain myself to you
Maybe I'm just a lying drug addict to you
Maybe to you I'm exactly the fucking same
Maybe we're irresponsible and reckless
But I know what's right for me
And I know what's morally correct
Yes, I realise it's "against the law"
But I know what I have to do
Does it make me a terrible person?
I know how to love
And I can care for others
And get off on generosity
But that's not the side you see
I know you tried as hard as you could
And I know maybe we both failed each other
And I know I may be saying goodbye sooner than you thought
Because this is getting ridiculous
And I'm sorry
I may regret my choices later
Or maybe not
But it's what I need to get by right now
I know things could have been much different
But this is the path we've taken
And no one can turn back,
All we can do is accept.

[what is/2 may 07]
what lengths we go to
to find truth
the boundaries we set
and forget
the limits we're given
seem to be prison
the enlightened exceed them
what is the cost of life
the American dream
prioritize
and compromise
who are our friends
what do we defend
what are your values
too good to be true
but it is
what is meaning
ever gleaming
diamond beneath dirty coal
why do we go
onward, forward
moving toward
what we don't know

Current Mood: working

That drum has finally started beating
I wonder if the front's receding
'Cause it sounds to me like a reason
To see the sight of this new season

You feel just like a block of clay
A conditioned jewel slave to cliché
The possibilities entrap my thoughts
I'd save the day and fight the onslaught

Today's the day the sun is blazing
Like a sugar high recklessly raging
The world looks so different today
When opportunity lights the way

Even if no more than distraction
I love that you exhibit a reaction
To this forgotten shadow long ignored
I can show my face and cut the cord

I realise any salesman appeals
To a desperate customer in need of deals
But the package looks and feels so bright
I may be starved but this seems right

Help disengage my disregard
The hopelessness with which i've sparred
Allow the best to come outside
And birth what i have been denied

Today's the day the sun is blazing
Like a sugar high recklessly raging
The world looks so different today
When opportunity lights the way

Even if no more than distraction
I love that you exhibit a reaction
To this forgotten shadow long ignored
I can show my face and cut the cord

Diving recklessly into sanguine rivers
Hope revives but also slivers
Feel optimism's alluring buzz
But there's nothing to lose because
All i have is what you see
There's not much you could take from me

Distraught from endless plight and plunder
Governmental greed tossing ration asunder
In blasé weather you sound like thunder
I think a storm is what we need
So take your weary heart and feed
I'll take my weary heart and feed

Current Mood: hopeful

Animals
We are
And don't tell me otherwise
We behave as they do
As we do
With righteous indignation
Blown up
Out of proportion
In the hands of the powerful
Stifle the one true free
Who embrace
Their true nature
Nature
The wild at heart
Would rather live
Than live within
Unreasonable restraints
Unfair
Byzantine
Complex
We behave
Act on instinct
Blindly follow emotion
What we perceive is best
Comes from within
But it's not the same
For every being
And just because one person thinks one thing
Does not make it so for another
The leader of the pack
Decrees
"You shall not"
But many do
"Put them away"
They don't adhere
Or find out what's wrong
"There must be something"
Pointless pointless therapy
Appointed
Find out what is wrong
"What works for them don't work for me"
Bad bad
Put them away
Run away
We're animals
We're men
We're human
We're all of these
But we're citizens
Without choice
Without discretion
Born into something
Out of our hands
I did not sign for this package
They signed for me
Paid a bill
That was not mine
Savagery is fine
And homogenization is peachy
Globalization is sublime
But there is no room
Anymore
Not for this
I want to disappear
Dissolve
Distraught
I can't watch them do this
One more prisoner
And I'll reject it
I'll reject it all
Too much misery
Too many wronged
Restrictions
Ignorance
Too young to run
With instinct in tow
I choose life
I choose the animal
I know
But look like a human
So I must be one
A number
A statistic
The animal denied
I choose love
But that's no longer an option
I make decisions no longer
They're being made for me
The body is mine
As is the mind
But the course the body takes
Is out of my hands
Puppeteer
Cut my strings
Can I return
Make me kindling
Should you care
Should you listen to the animal
You were one too once
Now a casualty
Will I be one too
What will I be
Will I lose my mind
My thoughts
Feelings
Opinions
Or can I disappear
I want to disappear
But they'll find me
Find me guilty
Addict
User
Liar
Irresponsible
Confused
But I'm not
Just an animal
Who needs another animal
And escape
Don't know where to go
But there's somewhere
And hope
Lives somewhere
But where is somewhere
We can make it so
Can we make it so
Don't know many answers
Plenty of questions
More questions
All questions
Disjointed
I constantly ask
But no response
I know lots of answers
But cannot bring myself to reach
The found conclusions
Will too weak
Will no more
Will never was
Repeat as necessary
Fucking animal.

Current Music: "Friend and Foe" by Menomena